Seven o'clock in the evening
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me
She says, "Is this Behind the Music with Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
And I say, "I don't know
Say, "It's gettin' late, what you wanna do for dinner?"
She says, "I kinda had a big lunch
So I'm not super hungry."
I said, "Well, you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat."
She said, "So what do you have in mind?"
I said, "I don't know. What about you?"
She said, "I don't care ... if you're hungry, let's eat."
I said, "That's what we're gonna do!
But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!"
And she says, "Let me think...
What's left in our refrigerator?"
I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know."
She said, "That went bad a week ago!"
I said, "Is the chili okay?"
She said, "You finished that yesterday!"
I hopped up and I said
"I don't know; do you want to get something delivered?"
She's like, "Why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"
I'm like, "No, I said 'delivered.'"
She's like, "I heard you say 'liver'!"
I'm like, "I should know what I said..."
She's like, "Whatever! I just don't want any liver!"
Well, I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today...
My wife said, "Let it go to voicemail."
I said, "Okay."
"Where were we? Oh, dinner, right!
So what d'ya want to do?"
She said, "Why don't you whip up somethin' in the kitchen?"
"Yeah," I said, "why don't you?"
And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says, "No"
She says, "Yes"
I says, "No"
She says, "Yes"
I says, "No"
She says, "Yes...
Oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
Say, "Okay, where ya want to go?"
She says, "How about The Ivy?"
I said, "Yeah, well, I don't know...
I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food"
She's says, "Olive Garden?"
I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood...
And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt"
She says, "Just forget about it"
I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"
Then I get an idea
I say, "I know what we'll do!"
She says, "What?"
I say, "Guess!"
She says "What?"
I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"
So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well, here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us
All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
"Hey! What you trying to do, blind me?"
My wife says "Maybe we should park...
We could just go eat inside."
I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride..."
Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"
I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."
Then my wife says "Baby, hold on—I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time"
I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for."
I put my head in my hands and scream
"I don't know who you are anymore!"
The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said, "Then take our order
And we'll be on our way!
I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like, "You want onions on that?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do...
Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one—we'll split it."
Then I said "I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right."
She says "One—you want a chicken sandwich
Two—you want a cheeseburger
Three—curly fries, and a large root beer"
"Stop! Don't go no further!"
"I never ordered a large root beer
I said medium, not large!"
Then she says "We're havin' a special
I supersized you at no charge."
"Oh." And that's all
I could say, was "Oh."
And she says "Now there is somethin' else
That I really think you should know
You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more..."
I say "Great, except we're in the drive-thru...
So what would I want that for?"
Then she says "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar ... hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul
Now tell me, who's this Paul?"
She says "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off of him in Geometry"
I said, "I know a guy named Paul
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer
He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe."
And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there
That's way more than I needed to know!"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says "Next window, please
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents!"
So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio...
[Black Dog by Led Zeppelin]
Click, turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly for her sake
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said "Um
I think you have somethin' in your teeth."
She turned away from me
And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"
I said "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."
Then she said "How about now?"
I said "Yeah, almost
There's still a little bit there, but don't worry
It's probably just a piece of toast."
Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like
"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty-two."
I turn around to my wife, and say
"How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this, I guess"
So she reaches into her purse
And busts out the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says "Oh, dear
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here."
I took back the card and said
"Gee, really? Well, that sucks."
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucks
I said, "I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today"
She says, "I never got around to it, so where's your wallet anyway?"
And I said, "Never mind
Just help me to find some change..."
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin' at me kind of strange...
And she says, "Mister, please
We gotta move this line along"
I said, "Now, hold your stinkin' horses, lady!
We won't be long."
So I looked around inside the glove-box
And checked the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in an ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats
Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "You know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place!"
And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said, "Okay
Forget the chicken sandwich then"
So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne-ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene."
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him, "Hey, Eugene
Could I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well, he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks it me
And I look at him
And he says, "I'm sorry!
What did you want again?"
I say "Ketchup!"
And he says, "Oh yeah, that's right...
I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight."
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say "Baby, gimme that burger
I just gotta have a bite!"
So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
They forgot the onions!